Kinks and Prospects of Violence
by frozenpixie
Summary: Matsumoto tries to get Nemu to write a personal ad for the Shinigami Women's Association Magazine. Grimmjow thinks he's found his perfect woman. Brief, weird and slightly cracky.


**Previously posted in a now deleted multi-chapter, adapted to be a stand-alone oneshot with the possibility of a sequel if I feel like it.**

It was summer in the Seireitei, and everyone knew what that meant. Hollows got sluggish in warm weather, and Shinigami got bored easily. Although the beach trip had been a success, the Shinigami Women's Association needed something else to occupy their time. After days of begging, wheedling and persuading, Matsumoto had finally won over the strict vice-president, and was having her way. A Lonely Hearts column in the SWA Magazine was exactly the right thing to pass the time and fan the flames of summer love...

Matsumoto had loved writing hers, she had browbeaten adequate responses from most of the other female Shinigami, but there was one obstacle she had yet to conquer.

"You have to write one, Nemu-san, it's good advertisement if we write in ourselves, everyone's doing one, even Soifon-taichou, besides, you need to meet some men other than Kurotsuchi-taichou," Matsumoto wheedled, waving a pen and paper invitingly before the unresponsive girl.

"I do not wish for a sexual relationship. It is unimportant to me at this time. Father ensures I have no unfulfilled erotic desires." Matsomoto's eyes bugged in horror at the mental images parading before her.

"He- what?"

"He made sure when he created me that he inhibited any carnal desires. They have no practical function." Matsumoto breathed a sigh of relief.

"Just write your likes and dislikes, what you look for in a man," she persuaded. "It's not hard."

"I do not seek a male companion."

"There must be some men that you admire," Matsumoto tried. "Apart from Kurotsuchi-taichou."

"Abarai Renji has interestingly large biceps," Nemu considered. "But his hair is impractical. And Madarame Ikkaku is not entirely unappealing when shirtless."

"That's more like it," Matsumoto encouraged. "Just write down what you require from a man and a little about yourself and you'll be fine." Nemu pondered for a moment, then bobbed her head.

"I will do as you require." Taking the paper, she bent her head low and scribbled thoughtfully for a few minutes. Looking expectantly at Matsumoto, she handed her the sheet of paper.

_I require a man to strip and wash thoroughly, and lie down on the table in order for myself and father to perform experiments on him. An interesting subject with special skills is preferable. No attacking or screaming for mercy. No crying for help. I have dark hair and many biologically improved aspects and abilities._

Nemu bit her lip in consternation as Matsumoto began spluttering at the disturbing mental images this evoked.

"Is this incorrect?" she questioned anxiously.

"N- well, I don't think you'd attract the right sort of man like this, Nemu-san," explained Matsumoto kindly, wondering for the umpteenth time what exactly went on in the Kurotsuchi lab. "How about listing your interests?"

"I have specified my interests in special talents. Father enjoys researching rare specimens."

"But what about what you like?" Matsumoto was getting frustrated. "The strong arms, the bare torso and the, er, bald head?"

"Is it important that I should require certain physical attributes?"

"Well, usually."

"But what if he does not find my body appealing?" Matsumoto scanned the girl's slim waist and long legs, and her shiny dark hair.

"I don't think that will matter."

"Then I also have no preference."

"What about personality? A sense of humour, strong and silent, chatty, romantic, intelligent, kind?"

"Strength and intelligence are positive attributes. I do not approve of romance."

"So you wouldn't like it if a guy gave you flowers?"

"What kind of flowers?"

"Any kind. Nice flowers."

"I do not think they would be very useful. Father prefers to experiment on human organisms." Matsumoto sighed.

"How about you let me write your ad?"

"If you wish to." Matsumoto smiled.

"Great, thanks. Don't worry, I'll find you someone nice." Nemu bowed and left the room, unsure where the unprecedented feeling of trepidation was stemming from. Matsumoto was scribbling furiously.

_Pretty, shy, dark-haired scientist, seeks strong man to show her that there is more to life than work. Must not mind slight oddness and disturbing kinks. Romance discouraged, must be able to fight off possessive, slightly mad father figure._

Matsumoto reviewed her work, imagining a strong, kind mentor gently and tactfully guiding the girl away from her scalpel and pliers. Smiling smugly to herself at a job well done, she sent the little sheaf of ads she had collected to Ise Nanao for publishing in the Shinigami Women's Association Magazine.

-

Grimmjow, reading the Lonely Hearts column of the SWA magazine from his metal cot, the only literature available to the Twelfth Division lab rat, possibly some new method of torture cooked up by the crazy turban-headed freak, saw Nemu's ad, and his teeth flashed in an animalistic grin.

"Dark hair and disturbing kinks? Prospect of violence? Perfect!" He instantly began penning his reply.


End file.
